The 2002 Scoopie Awards
The Avowed Heterosexual Award — Mike Piazza, who held a press conference to announce that he is not gay.
The Best Celeb Confessional Award — Tough category, as divas lined up to tell Diane Sawyer their tales of woe and triumph, but after much head-scratching, the Scoop judges have selected a winner: Whitney Houston, who revealed to Sawyer that despite problems with cocaine, marijuana, booze and pills, she had never considered rehab. And, she confessed, she was “addicted to love.”
The It’s All About Me Award — Julia Roberts, announcing the Best Actor Oscar, upon seeing Denzel Washington’s name, declared: “I love my life.”
The Dr. Feelgood Award — Dr. Jules Lusman, who prescribed gobs of painkillers on a cash-and-carry basis to famous clients — including Courtney Love and Winona Ryder — for ailments such as bee stings.
The Parents, Lock Up Your Children Award — Paul Reubens, a k a Pee Wee Herman, formerly successful child star, trying to re-start his career after an indecent exposure arrest, gets de-railed again when arrested on child pornography charges.
The Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde Award — Who cares whether Rosie O’Donnell is gay? The real shocker was that the Former Queen of Nice outed herself as a self-described uber-rhymes-with-rich.
The Mommy Make it Go Away Award — Madonna and “Swept Away.” Last year, the Scoopie judges thought that a diva could never embarrass herself as badly as Mariah Carey did in “Glitter.” The Scoopie judges were wrong.
The I Want to Be Appreciated For My Body, Too Award — Paula Zahn, hired by CNN, which ran a promo for her touting the arguable assertion that she was “just a little sexy.” The ad also feature a zipping sound that some people thought sounded alarmingly like a zipper — though network brass insisted it was just a needle scratching a record album. Hilarity ensued.
The Love Rat Revisited Award — James Hewitt was caught trying to sell intimate letters from former sweetie Princess Diana.
The Love Rat Epilogue Award — A tabloid is reportedly trying to steal DNA samples from Prince Harry to nail rumors that he’s really Hewitt’s kid.
The Aspiring Love Rat Award — Justin Timberlake told intimate details of his sex life with long-time sweetie and faux virgin Britney Spears after a DJ promised to play his new single an extra 30 times. The Scoopie judges want to know what he would reveal for an extra 60 plays.
The Confused Lineage Award — Liv Tyler is forgiven for thinking that Mick Jagger was her dad. The same can’t be said for Melanie Griffith’s belief that Marilyn Monroe was her mother. (Special mention to little Damian, whose papa Steven Bing at first insisted on a paternity test, and now is trying to force mama Liz Hurley to accept his cash.)
The Most Ick-Making Couple Award — Creaky heartthrob Harrison Ford and stick-thin Calista Flockhart. The romance was made all the creepier when a tabloid unearthed a Viagra bottle with the prescription made out to Ford. (Close runner-up goes to Mariah Carey and Eminem, who are both dissing each other and vying for “Weirdest Feud” honors.)
The Weirdest Feud Award — Diminutive, nerdy techno musician Moby was one of the few stars with the cojones to take Eminem to task for his homophobic lyrics. Eminem trashed him at the MTV awards and Eminem fans beat him up. (Close runner-up goes to Mariah Carey and Eminem, see above.)
The Not Benjamin Spock Award — Baby-dangler Michael Jackson who got so excited that fans were gathered outside his Berlin Hotel, that he hung two-year-old Prince Michael Jackson II out for them to see.
The Benjamin Spock Wanna Be Award — Cher not generally known for her parenting skills, was outraged by baby-dangler Michael Jackson. “I don’t have a nice thing to say about him,” she fumed. “I knew him when he was a child, and we were friends as he was growing up, but you dangle a baby over a balcony, and that’s it for me. I have two children and I don’t give a s - - - how many fans he has out there. It was the most unbelievable thing I’ve ever seen a parent do.”
The Get Out of Jail Almost Free Award — Lizzy Grubman, who served 37 days of a 60-day sentence for her little hissy fit in which she mowed down a crowd of people with a Mercedes SUV.
The John Glenn Wanna Be Award — Lance Bass promised to fork over $20 million to fly with the Russian cosmonauts. He was barred from flight when he failed to fork over the cash.
The Insto-Humanitarian Award — Trent Lott, who went from whistling “Dixie” to singing “Kumbaya” in a matter of days.
The They Said It Wouldn’t Last And They Were Right Award — Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage split after 108 days of marriage. Perhaps they argued over who did the better Elvis impersonation.
The Tooth Is Out There Award — Tom Cruise gets braces, confirming longstanding rumors that his teeth are not straight.
The Best Reality Stars Award — The Osbournes. The Scoopie judges keep thinking that their shtick is wearing a little thin — and then Sharon does something else fabulous.
The Worst Reality Star Award — Anna Nicole Smith. Gives inarticulate former pin-ups a bad name.
The Worst Reality Guest Star Award — Bobby Trendy. Anna Nicole Smith’s over-the-top interior decorator gives flamboyant, temperamental queens a bad name.
The Worst Reality Series We Never Saw — David Gest and Liza Minelli. We knew this show was in trouble when we heard that David was making Liza rehearse her scenes.
The Remember the Greediest Award — Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski. Tough competition from Ken Lay and the rest of the Enron gang, but the Scoopie judges couldn’t get past Kozlowski’s $25 million company-funded Manhattan pad, complete with a $6,000 shower curtain.
The Butler Didn’t Do It Award — To Paul Burrell, Princess Diana’s servant and confidant, who went on trial for allegedly stealing her gowns and assorted other items. He got off the hook after the queen suddenly and miraculously remembered that she gave him permission to take said items — but not before a trial that revealed allegations of palace meltdowns, gay rape, and such alarming misdeeds that American journalists got a serious case of scandal envy.
The MADiator Award — Russell Crowe, who verbally abused the director of the BAFTA Awards for editing a poem out of his speech.
The BADiator Award — Russell Crowe, for allegedly using a racial slur to refer a largely black rugby team.
The EGADiator — Russell Crowe, who reportedly flirted with a woman at a restaurant, then lept on top of her, licked her beauty mark and tried to stick his tongue down her throat, prompting her to observe that he acted like a “smelly pig. . . . It was grotesque. He stank to high heaven and had food all over his mouth.”
The Love Is Blind Award — Danielle Spencer, Russell Crowe’s long-suffering girlfriend, accepts the Gladiator’s marriage proposal, one month after reports of the beauty-mark-licking incident.
That’s it for this year, Dear Readers. Have a very dishy New Year. I know I will, because I am, as always,
Your Faithful Scooper
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeannette Walls Delivers the Scoop will return Jan. 7 in MSNBC Living.
I might add one thing: fatherhood is especially important for gay kids. So many, when they come to realize their sexual orientation, withdraw from their father out of fear of his rejection; and some fathers withdraw after discovering or somehow sensing their child's difference. This is terribly destructive to both, may take decades to heal properly, and is, I think, a key reason for some of the psychological problems gay men and women deal with. Notice here how being pro-family and being gay-friendly are not exclusive categories. Far from it. Gay people are an intrinsic part of families, even very traditional ones; and one of the goals of the fight for equal marriage rights is to find a way to bring gay people more fully and deeply into the bonds of family life. How sad that some conservatives don't seem to see this, and in fact compound the psychological damage done to families with gay members by perpetuating fear and panic about homosexuals. Compassionate conservatism must find a way to bring the virtues of family life to everyone. Yes, leave no child behind. But that includes the gay ones.
Andrew Sullivan
It's hard to pick a front-runner out among this year's Grammy nominees. Eight artists got five nominations apiece, including Ashanti, Sheryl Crow, Eminem, Norah Jones, Avril Lavigne, Nelly, Raphael Saadiq, and Bruce Springsteen. Behind them, with four apiece, were Dixie Chicks, Alan Jackson, Chad Kroeger, and Remy Shand.
The nominations were announced Tuesday morning at New York's Madison Square Garden, where the winners will be named at a Feb. 23 ceremony airing live on CBS. Among those who stopped by to name the nominees were Ashanti, Lavigne (who mispronounced David Bowie's name), Justin Timberlake, producer Jimmy Jam, Nelly, John Mayer, Kenny Chesney, and Cyndi Lauper. A list of nominees in major categories is below:
Album of the Year
''Home,'' Dixie Chicks
''The Eminem Show,'' Eminem
''Come Away With Me,'' Norah Jones
''Nellyville,'' Nelly
''The Rising,'' Bruce Springsteen
Record of the Year
''A Thousand Miles,'' Vanessa Carlton
''Without Me,'' Eminem
''Don't Know Why,'' Norah Jones
''Dilemma,'' Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
''How You Remind Me,'' Nickelback
Song of the Year
''Complicated,'' Avril Lavigne
''Don't Know Why,'' Norah Jones
''The Rising,'' Bruce Springsteen
''A Thousand Miles,'' Vanessa Carlton
''Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning),'' Alan Jackson
New Artist
Ashanti
Michelle Branch
Norah Jones
Avril Lavigne
John Mayer
Female Pop Vocal Performance
''Soak Up the Sun,'' Sheryl Crow
''Don't Know Why,'' Norah Jones
''Complicated,'' Avril Lavigne
''Get This Party Started,'' Pink
''Overprotected,'' Britney Spears
Male Pop Vocal Performance
''7 Days,'' Craig David
''Original Sin,''Elton John
''Your Body Is a Wonderland,'' John Mayer,
''Fragile,'' Sting
''October Road,'' James Taylor
Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
''Everyday,'' Bon Jovi
''Girl All the Bad Guys Want,'' Bowling for Soup
''Where Are You Going,'' Dave Matthews Band
''Hey Baby,'' No Doubt
''Girlfriend,'' 'N Sync
Pop Vocal Album
''Come Away With Me,'' Norah Jones
''Let Go,'' Avril Lavigne
''Rock Steady,'' No Doubt
''M!ssundaztood,'' Pink
''Britney,'' Britney Spears
Female Rock Vocal Performance
'"Steve McQueen,'' Sheryl Crow
''The Weakness in Me,'' Melissa Etheridge
''Sk8er Boi,'' Avril Lavigne
''Gnawin' on It,'' Bonnie Raitt
''Alone,'' Susan Tedeschi
Male Rock Vocal Performance
''Slow Burn,'' David Bowie
''45,'' Elvis Costello
''The Barry Williams Show,'' Peter Gabriel
''Darkness, Darkness,'' Robert Plant
''The Rising,'' Bruce Springsteen
Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
''Girls of Summer,'' Aerosmith
''In My Place,'' Coldplay
''My Sacrifice,'' Creed
''Hero,'' Chad Kroeger featuring Josey Scott
''When I'm Gone,'' 3 Doors Down
''Take Me as I Am,'' Tonic
''Walk On,'' U2
Rock Song
''All My Life,'' Foo Fighters
''Hero,'' Chad Kroeger featuring Josey Scott
''I Stand Alone,'' Godsmack
''The Rising,'' Bruce Springsteen
''When I'm Gone,'' 3 Doors Down
Rock Album
''When I Was Cruel,'' Elvis Costello
''C'mon, C'mon,'' Sheryl Crow
''Dreamland,'' Robert Plant
''The Rising,'' Bruce Springsteen
''Head on Straight,'' Tonic
Alternative Music Album
''Sea Change,'' Beck
''Walking With Thee,'' Clinic
''A Rush of Blood to the Head,'' Coldplay
''Cruel Smile,'' Elvis Costello & the Imposters
''Behind the Music,'' The Soundtrack of Our Lives
Female R&B Vocal Performance
''More Than a Woman,'' Aaliyah
''Foolish,'' Ashanti
''He Think I Don't Know,'' Mary J. Blige
''I'm Still Standing,'' Eartha
''He Loves Me (Lyzel in E Flat) (Movements I, II, III),'' Jill Scott
Male R&B Vocal Performance
''Let's Stay Home Tonight,'' Joe
''The World's Greatest,'' R. Kelly
''Halfcrazy,'' Musiq
''Take a Message,'' Remy Shand
''U Don't Have to Call,'' Usher
R&B Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
''All the Way,'' Kenny G featuring Brian McKnight
''Don't Mess with My Man,'' Nivea featuring Brian and Brandon Casey
''More Than a Woman,'' Angie Stone and Joe
''Girl Talk,'' TLC
''Love's in Need of Love Today,'' Steve Wonder and Take Six
R&B Song
''Be Here,'' Raphael Saadiq featuring D'Angelo
''Floetic,'' Floetry
''Good Man,'' India.Arie
''Love of My Life (An Ode to Hip Hop),'' Erykah Badu featuring Common
''Take a Message,'' Remy Shand
R&B Album
''Voyage to India,'' India.Arie
''Better Days,'' Joe
''Juslisen (Just Listen),'' Musiq
''Instant Vintage,'' Raphael Saadiq
''The Way I Feel,'' Remy Shand
Rap Female Solo Performance
''Diary...'', Charli Baltimore
''Scream a.k.a. Itchin','' Missy Elliott
''Satisfaction,'' Eve
''Na Na Be Like,'' Foxy Brown
''Mystery of Iniquity,'' Lauryn Hill
Rap Male Solo Performance
''Without Me,'' Eminem
''Song Cry,'' Jay-Z
''Rollout (My Business),'' Ludacris
''Bouncin' Back (Bumpin' Me Against the Wall),'' Mystikal
''Hot in Herre,'' Nelly
Rap Performance by a Duo or Group
''The Essence,'' AZ featuring Nas
''Still Fly,'' Big Tymers
''Pass the Courvoisier Part II,'' Busta Rhymes featuring P. Diddy and Pharrell
''Oh Boy,'' Cam'ron featuring Juelz Santana
''The Whole World,'' OutKast featuring Killer Mike
Rap Album
''The Eminem Show,'' Eminem
''Word of Mouf,'' Ludacris
''Tarantula,'' Mystikal
''Nellyville,'' Nelly
''Diary of a Sinner: 1st Entry,'' Petey Pablo
Female Country Vocal Performance
''Cry,'' Faith Hill
''Blessed,'' Martina McBride
''Dagger Through the Heart,'' Dolly Parton
''Lately,'' Lucinda Williams
''Something Worth Leaving Behind,'' Lee Ann Womack
Male Country Vocal Performance
''Give My Love to Rose, ''Johnny Cash
''Three Days,'' Pat Green
''Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning),'' Alan Jackson
''The Impossible,'' Joe Nichols
''I'm Gonna Miss Her,'' Brad Paisley
Country Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal
''Beautiful Mess,'' Diamond Rio
''Long Time Gone,'' Dixie Chicks
''Not a Day Goes By,'' Lonestar
''Roll the Stone Away,'' Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
''Just What I do,'' Trick Pony
Country Song
''The Impossible,'' Joe Nichols
''Long Time Gone,'' Dixie Chicks
''Mendocino County Line,'' Willie Nelson with Lee Ann Womack
''Three Days,'' Pat Green
''Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning),'' Alan Jackson
Country Album
''Home,'' Dixie Chicks
''Drive,'' Alan Jackson
''The Great Divide,'' Willie Nelson
''Man with a Memory,'' Joe Nichols
''Halos & Horns,'' Dolly Parton
Best Compilation Soundtrack Album For a Motion Picture, Television, or Other Visual Media
''Dogtown and Z-Boys''
''I Am Sam''
''Six Feet Under''
''Standing in the Shadows of Motown''
''Y Tu Mama Tambien''
Best Short Form Music Video
''Days Go By,'' Dirty Vegas
''Without Me,'' Eminem
''Knoc,'' Knoc-Turn'al featuring Dr. Dre and Missy Elliott
''One Mic,'' Nas
''My Culture,'' 1 Giant Leap featuring Robbie Williams and Maxi Jazz
(Posted:01/07/03)