In an odd twist on “American Idol” Tuesday night, the viewers were asked not only to vote on their favorite singer, but also to vote on whether to ban actresses over 35 from acting in the movies. On Wednesday nights show the overwhelming response was to get rid of the old bags. Hollywood has been hinting this might be coming to pass because of press releases stating younger is hotter and hotter sells tickets. Men over 30 were still proclaimed “sexy and virile” up til at least 70.

On Wednesday nights show, “American Idol” had its largest number of calls yet – 140 million! And over 75% voted for the ban. When the judges were asked what they thought, Randy Jackson shouted, “Get rid of them, DAWG!” Paula Abdul, ever the perkier one, toned it down tonight, and said that the over 35 actresses were pretty, but she wanted to jump start her musical career. Presently no one understands what she meant. Simon Cowell said that actresses over 35 were “veiny, overcooked” and therefore spoiled his appetite.

This exciting news has everyone buzzing about who will be taking over some of the acting roles that had once been associated with such old trolls as Sandra Bullock, Renée Zellweger, Meryl Streep, Bette Midler, Nicole Kidman, Cate Blanchette, Julianne Moore, and the list goes on and on.
When Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were told they were the lead contenders for the remake of the classic Bette Davis and Joan Crawford thriller, “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?” Lindsay was quoted as inquiring “Betty who?,” while Paris Hilton exclaimed, or rather dead-panned, “That’s hot. So what happened to her?” Word on the street, even though the movie has not begun, is that both will be Oscar contenders at next year’s ceremony.

Of course we can’t forget the musical trend that has enveloped the movie capital of the world. Slated to play the life story of the legendary Judy Garland will be the one and only person created to play the role, Britney Spears, in her movie debut. The “Sound Of Music” remake, which was originally associated with Kate Winslet, has been turned over to “sweet girl,” Hilary Duff. Although Winslet is not yet over 35, she would be by the time shooting of the film began.

Many of the older actresses were called and asked to comment, but most declined due to fainting spells, extreme nausea, sudden depression, and in some cases suicide. That’s the Hollywood game or as Heidi Klum best sums it up, “You’re either in or you’re out.” In this case, they are out!

Your Instructor writes: Ouch! That satire has a lot of bite! And that makes it good, edgy satire. This was a brutally wicked piece of satire, Don — you hit so many of the hot buttons of society’s misogyny and ageism. You left no stone unturned, from men being considered sexy into advanced ages to the apathy of the general public and all points in between. Terrific job!

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The Stodgey’s – Visual Humor – Lesson 7
Submitted by: Nashville Don

The Stodgey family arrive at the opera in a horse drawn carriage of black. They are a stiff, upper-class family consisting of a father, mother, and a spoilish, frowny daughter. They step out of the carriage very slowly. The father is dressed in a formal black tuxedo, hat, and spats. The mother is in a beaded black dress, very full, but with a throat covering collar, and hair, tightly wound up. The daughter is dressed in black also, but her skirt is velvety, full, and knee length, with hair flowing down, but enhanced with a black bow. The driver of the carriage helps them down carefully and slowly, however you can see a whiskey bottle somewhat piercing out of his coat pocket.

The box seats are the best in the opera hall and that’s where you find the family. They are sitting very upright, no smiling, no emotion whatsoever. However the daughter has her arms crossed with a scowl upon her face. During one of the standing ovations, Mr. Stodgey, standing, looks at his daughter who is glaring back him, motioning for his daughter to stand as well. All of a sudden, he loses his balance and tips over the balcony to the horror of the family. The mother and daughter open their mouths as to scream. The mother, bends her arn and raises it to her face so that the back of her hand covers her eyes and forehead. She faints and falls backwards. The daughter looks over the edge of the balcony with her eyes wide open. She sees that her father has fallen head first into an old lady’s lap while his buttocks is in the air right in front of her husband’s face. They both have their mouths open as if to gasp, then a small smile appears on her face. A small smile appears on her husband’s face, too. But the show goes on!

Of course there is commotion among the audience, but they settle down as Mr. Stodgey collects himself and leaves all flustered like and then gathers his family. They motion for the driver to help them in the carriage. Little do they know that he has been drinking the whole time. They don’t notice that he has fallen in the mud and filthy for they are frantic looking. As the driver helps them in he leaves trails of mud on the backs of their expensive clothes. He’s so tipsy he doesn’t notice.

The drive home is awful since the old driver is twisting and turning the horses and speeding over mudholes causing the family to slide from one side of the carriage to another. In some cases their heads are hitting the top of the carriage. They become very disheveled. There is anger on the father’s face. When they arrive at their destination, the old driver saunters down off of his seat. He is stumbling as he approached the door of the carriage. The father is yelling and pointing his finger at the driver as his wife and daughter are being helped out. This time the carriage driver gets mud on the front of their evening gowns. This time the mother and daughter notice and begin to act as if they are screaming while flapping their arms in desperation. They stomp off towards their house. As the father gets out he pushes the driver away. He is yelling at the driver and has an extreme look of anger on his face. As he tries to get out of the carriage his pants get snagged. He struggles to unhinge himself. The driver stumbles backwards falling into one of the horses. The horse is scared and raises his legs in the air inciting the others. They begin to take off. Close up you see the eyes wide open and an expression of feat from Mr. Stodgey. As the horses take off, Mr. Stodgey’s pants are ripped off and he is left standing in his wife’s bloomers. The wife and daughter, standing on the porch both faint and fall to the ground. So does Mr. Stodgey. The elderly, drunk driver, bowls over with a look of hysterical laughter on his face.
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Replies:

Your Instructor writes: Great job, Don! Lots of big visual gags combined with small moments make this a very successful piece. Good variety in the gags, too — it’s not just one gag repeated over and over again. The comedy comes out of the situations and characters, too. This is a bullseye!

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My Jokes From On-Line Class-Be Ready To Barf

These are some jokes I had to come up with for for an online class in comedy… I am absolutely not a joke teller, much less joke writer. One Is For Cliches and the other is for absurdist, exaggeration, and understatement. But I just have to save this for “posterity.:”

* Idle hands keep Sanjaya in the Idol race

* He ran over me like a Walmart shopper on Christmas Eve!

* It’s raining cats and dogs in Nashville, but in San Francisco it’s raining men

* If you don’t have anything nice to say…talk to my ex.

* My lips are sealed, but I do know how to write.

* Teacher’s Pet? – she’s been arrested 4 times for animal abuse

It goes without saying…” ” (pause and say nothing)

* Always the bridesmaid…never the groom! (a little gay humor)

Your Instructor writes: I had to delete the offensive one, Don. Please remember that this is a classroom and that the school has rules. You have to keep it clean in here.

This one was the offensive one:

At the crack of dawn that’s where you’ll find my head.. WHATEVER!

Here were my others:

1. Absurdist: The doctor told me I was depressed, so I decided to go to the dry cleaners.

2. Exaggeration: My friend Steve is so racist, he makes Don Imus look like the head of the NAACP.

3. Understatement: My nutritionist said I had a huge MacDonald’s addiction, so I switched to Burger King.

I had to redo the last one…it wasn’t what she wanted:

Down and out country singer, Bobby Lee, finally had a hit record, won the CMA award for best new artist, then finally built the house of his dreams. Now he’s broke again and can’t afford the furniture…

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